A reader asked a question recently about my post on planning play dates before school begins. She inquired about my statement, “Choose carefully and choose only a few.” What does choosing carefully mean exactly?
Obviously and in general, we hope that our children will be able to play peacefully and joyfully with all other children. We want to challenge our children to learn problem-solving skills that help them navigate tricky social situations; we want to encourage them to have eyes that see the goodness and value in each friend they encounter; we want for them to develop graciousness and generosity as they work and play.
When your child is feeling apprehensive about repeating a grade or entering a new school or other setting, however, choosing playmates carefully means setting your child up for success. Your goal will be preparing your child to greet the school year with enthusiasm. You will want to look for a comfortable playing opportunity, something to feed the excitement and hope about the upcoming change rather than the anxiety and the dread.
Here are some things to consider:
- ACTIVITY LEVEL Is your child on-the-go or a child who spends most of his or her playtime sitting down, spending a long time with one activity? One of the most unsuccessful pairings would be children at the opposite end of the activity level spectrum. Very quiet children can be easy flustered by a child whose play is more physical and moves quickly from one activity to another. And a busy child may be frustrated and let down by a playmate who cannot or will not keep up. Look for a child whose activity level seems similar to your child’s.
- PLAYING STYLE Educators often talk of a child’s learning style, whether it be visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. When you are thinking about making a pair for these play dates, consider the style of your child’s play. What type of activity engages him or her most? Imaginary play and storytelling? Building and constructing? Creating and crafting? Climbing and playing ball? Digging and collecting? A child who wants to make-believe in costumes and one who wants only to use the Legos are going to have a more difficult time finding common ground than two who love to play house or two who love to cut and glue.
- INTERESTS This is probably the least influential element if you have found a child who is a good match in terms of both activity level and playing style. But if you are struggling to think of a child who is a good match, consider your child’s biggest interests. For young children, interests are like languages. If your child is proficient in Pirate, conscious of all of the jargon and necessary equipment, he may be able to make a leap with a child who seems very different in other ways. A passion for Princesses may bring together two otherwise incompatible children. What languages does your child speak?
You will likely want to put a little more thought into preparing for these play dates than you may normally. Help your child make a plan about which toys or activities to offer first. Think of something special to suggest that will allow you to facilitate some of the play, for instance a board game, a cooking project, or the building of a fort or puppet stage. Maybe plan a surprise, new craft materials or a treat, to present to the children when there is a lull in their play. Think about what time of day is your child’s most flexible and positive time and make sure to keep the play date relatively short. Finally, step in early if there is a conflict. Help the children apologize to each other and forgive each other and then help distract them toward a new activity.
With any luck, the fruit of this labor will be a child who adjusts quickly to his or her new situation. At our house, I felt the positive impact immediately and WJ is happily continuing to play with the children from these play dates as the school year progresses.