Transition: part two
Monday, October 19, 2009 at 12:08AM 
When I started writing this piece about the transition in the first month of school for WJ as he stays in preschool despite his chronological age, I thought this was a story in two parts. I think I am deciding that the story has three parts (at least). I want to get to the good news. There is good news. But the bumps in the road are difficult to ignore.
Part Two of this story involves the Kindergartener’s enthusiasm about all things Kindergarten.
We thought it, and still think it, important for WJ to have time with his friends from before. We want for him to make new connections in his new class, but a handful of his old school friends are the ones he held hands with while lying on a blanket as four-month-olds who could not yet even turn to look at one another. They are children with whom he has spent the vast majority of the days of these last years and we knew that his sense of normalcy depended partly on continued time to play with the friends with whom he is so comfortable.
One on one, these interactions are positive, just like old times. But when two or more of his kindergarten friends gather together, the conversation tends to hover around one topic: Kindergarten.
The picture above is WJ trying to keep a stiff upper lip at our favorite sushi restaurant earlier this month. What you don’t see in the picture is three of his former classmates, just to the right, all singing new songs they had learned together at school. At first WJ watched and listened with great interest; he is a true lover of all things music. But as they moved from verse to verse and from song to song (I may be exaggerating here), it became clear that WJ felt out of place. His five-year-old social skills left him unprepared for successful maneuvering of a situation like this—inside jokes, you-had-to-be-there moments, secret handshakes and the like.
Here is where my protective mothering instinct rears her ugly head.
I emailed a little with a friend whose son is also spending another year in preschool. She confirmed this pattern. When her son had a play date with an old classmate, the classmate talked a lot about kindergarten. I began to jump up to cry out with indignation, “Why can’t they just get over it already? It’s only kindergarten! What’s the big deal?” But before I uttered such nonsense, my wiser friend offered some insight. “I wonder if it might wear off a little as the school year wears on. It's such a big transition that those kids are quite caught up in it.”
Of course. Kindergarten is a milestone. It brings backpacks and lunchboxes, music class and gym, new games, new songs, new teachers, new learning. And when I listened carefully to WJ’s friends, I heard that their kindergarten talk was not even just that. When I listened hard, I heard a whisper of their knowledge of WJ and their affection for him.
What are the two topics that surfaced most in the guess-what-else-happened-in-kindergarten conversations? Music class, first. (And how many times has WJ begged these children to be in his band when they would have rather been dancing princesses?) And secondly, the new and amazing fire facts showered upon them by Fire Fighter Ron who visited their class one afternoon of late. (What is that under WJ’s bed? Is that two huge baskets of fire fighter dress-up gear? And on his shelves? The entire line of Playmobil rescue equipment?) These friends really are just that. WJ is not with them in class anymore, but there are times when they think of him and how much he would love the things they are doing.
They all, WJ as the preschooler who stayed and his friends as the newly crowned Kindergarteners, need some support in knowing how to come together peacefully. WJ needs words and strategies for getting involved in the conversation or changing the topic when he feels left out. His friends need to know that there are kind ways to tell him about the wonderful new experiences they are having and ways that are not so kind. And when the waters grow difficult to navigate, they all need adults who will step in and gently guide them on the way.
Just this week, I worked nearby as WJ played with his Two Best Friends. The two girls began to sing a song from school. He said to them, “Remember? I don’t know that song.” And they graciously stopped.
Then Friend One suggested that they play out the story of the magic fish. WJ said, “Remember? I don’t know that story.” “Ok,” she said and she thought around for another idea. Then she laughed.
“WJ,” she teased, “You do know that story. It is not from kindergarten! It is from summer camp! You were there!” He chuckled. “Oh, yeah! I remember now!”
There is still a Part Three (at least) to this story of the transition. But for now, I am thankful for old friends and the ways that they know you and the times they can grow with you.
Reader Comments (3)
Oh I am SO rooting for him!
I am storing up this post in my heart as that will be me in a few years w/ my October boy. I see the little guys in my 5yo's class now and can't imagine that he at nearly 6 wouldn't have been ready at nearly 5. The waiting year will be so hard when it arrives in our house. This is such a thoughtful post in so many ways.
I have so enjoyed reading these posts, and oh do they bring back memories...I remember vividly in 1st grade when one of our good friends was out sick for a week or two and then ended up being moved back a reading group when she returned to school...I remember being concerned and wondering what had happened and why she was no longer in our group....evidently I asked too many questions because I got in *big trouble* at school because the girl's mother got offended...yet what I knew in my heart and the loving principal quickly realized (unlike my teacher) was that there was no malice in my heart...just genuine concern for a friend, that as a 1st grader, I probably didn't know the best way to express.
Thank you for sharing the story of your transition with us...my little boy's bday is at the end of Sept and misses the Sept 1st cutoff here, so we will be dealing with this very same thing in a few years. Can't wait to hear the rest!