Planning play dates

A reader asked a question recently about my post on planning play dates before school begins.  She inquired about my statement, “Choose carefully and choose only a few.”  What does choosing carefully mean exactly? 

Obviously and in general, we hope that our children will be able to play peacefully and joyfully with all other children.  We want to challenge our children to learn problem-solving skills that help them navigate tricky social situations; we want to encourage them to have eyes that see the goodness and value in each friend they encounter; we want for them to develop graciousness and generosity as they work and play.

When your child is feeling apprehensive about repeating a grade or entering a new school or other setting, however, choosing playmates carefully means setting your child up for success.  Your goal will be preparing your child to greet the school year with enthusiasm.  You will want to look for a comfortable playing opportunity, something to feed the excitement and hope about the upcoming change rather than the anxiety and the dread.

Here are some things to consider:

1. ACTIVITY LEVEL  Is your child on-the-go or a child who spends most of his or her playtime sitting down, spending a long time with one activity?  One of the most unsuccessful pairings would be children at the opposite end of the activity level spectrum.  Very quiet children can be easy flustered by a child whose play is more physical and moves quickly from one activity to another.  And a busy child may be frustrated and let down by a playmate who cannot or will not keep up.  Look for a child whose activity level seems similar to your child’s.
2. PLAYING STYLE  Educators often talk of a child’s learning style, whether it be visual, auditory, or kinesthetic.  When you are thinking about making a pair for these play dates, consider the style of your child’s play.  What type of activity engages him or her most?  Imaginary play and storytelling?  Building and constructing?  Creating and crafting?  Climbing and playing ball?  Digging and collecting?  A child who wants to make-believe in costumes and one who wants only to use the Legos are going to have a more difficult time finding common ground than two who love to play house or two who love to cut and glue.
3. INTERESTS  This is probably the least influential element if you have found a child who is a good match in terms of both activity level and playing style.  But if you are struggling to think of a child who is a good match, consider your child’s biggest interests.  For young children, interests are like languages.  If your child is proficient in Pirate, conscious of all of the jargon and necessary equipment, he may be able to make a leap with a child who seems very different in other ways.  A passion for Princesses may bring together two otherwise incompatible children.  What languages does your child speak?

You will likely want to put a little more thought into preparing for these play dates than you may normally.  Help your child make a plan about which toys or activities to offer first.  Think of something special to suggest that will allow you to facilitate some of the play, for instance a board game, a cooking project, or the building of a fort or puppet stage.  Maybe plan a surprise, new craft materials or a treat, to present to the children when there is a lull in their play.  Think about what time of day is your child’s most flexible and positive time and make sure to keep the play date relatively short.  Finally, step in early if there is a conflict.  Help the children apologize to each other and forgive each other and then help distract them toward a new activity. 

With any luck, the fruit of this labor will be a child who adjusts quickly to his or her new situation.  At our house, I felt the positive impact immediately and WJ is happily continuing to play with the children from these play dates as the school year progresses.

Early to rise

Tonight I’d like to introduce you to my newest favorite Target purchase: the retro alarm clock.  I bought this clock to replace a perfectly good clock radio for one reason alone—its lack of a snooze button.  When it goes off, I am getting up. No loitering in bed, waiting for the pitter-patter of little feet, pressing the snooze and promising to get up next time.

This may seem counterintuitive to my theme of slowing down.  I have come to the realization, however, that one major component to a well-paced, peaceful day is having a smooth start.  Another is providing yourself time to do the things you need and want to do. 

For many of us, the early hours can be the best time to find this time.  I am not a natural early-riser, but my day goes significantly better if I have a few minutes of quiet before beginning the work of getting ready to walk out of the door.  It might be a few minutes of reading or journaling or prayer.  It might be sitting still with a cup of something hot.  It might be a shower alone, with no preschooler poking his head through the curtain. 

I am rising tomorrow before my child.  I plan to savor both the quiet time alone and also the repose of giving myself enough time to get ready.  This time has always been there; I am just planning to use it better.

Where are the places where you find hidden time?

Play dates and coffins

“Mom! I need a perfect coffin!”

Never have words sounded so sweet to a mother’s ears.

We are having a play date today with a child who will be in WJ’s class this fall.  This is the third such play date since returning from our summer travels.  Today we took the biggest leap.  This young friend and WJ have not really had much interaction yet at all.  The first play date was with a classmate who is also waiting a year to begin kindergarten, the child of a dear friend of mine, a child WJ has played with many times before.  The second play date was with twins, who until recently were our neighbors.  While the three had never had an official play date, the twins were very familiar faces.  

I must confess that I was a little worried about today.  It felt like a turning point, officially switching over from one class to the other.  WJ was nervous too.  I spend yesterday afternoon trying to distract him from his instinctual plan to hoard his toys; he was making a mental list of everything the new friend would not be allowed to use.

But this morning his new friend arrived and it took nary a minute for the two to discover their connections.  Costumes primarily.

First they were doctors and operated, albeit unsuccessfully, on WJ’s favorite stuffed pal, Doggie.  The new friend did not seem turned off at all with WJ’s need for a funeral afterward, although he did fiddle quietly with the doctor tools while the eulogy droned on.  Who could blame him, really? Now they have found knight costumes (Number One on yesterday’s list: Toys Not to Share) and are poking at each other’s shields playfully with drumsticks, since our swords are still MIA.

Making connections for your child before school begins is a smart idea if you can swing it.  I believe it is going to help us go from dwelling on who is missing from his new class to a healthier focus on who will be present. 

Choose carefully and choose only a few.  If you are not certain about which children would be wise to pursue, it is highly likely that a teacher from the school, someone who knows the children who will be in the class, would be glad to make suggestions.  Call the school to leave a message for him or her or, if you have time to plan ahead, ask for ideas before the school year is over.

While the idea of making new friends was monumentally terrifying, both for WJ and for me, these playtimes have largely turned in to giant love fests.  They are helping us both begin to see this change with anticipation rather than with regret.

When to tell

When should we tell our child about our decision regarding school? Sooner is not necessarily better here. Since we know that the processing will take some time, however, waiting until the last minute is not a good idea either.

You do not need to include your child in the conversation about a growing year until your decision has been made. For our family, the decision process about WJ spending an extra year in preschool began in November. In March we made a final decision. But we did not decide to talk to our son until June when school was winding down and children were beginning to talk about going to kindergarten.

If we had begun the conversation earlier it would not have been meaningful at all. Young children are generally incapable of having useful thoughts about things that are not concrete and going to kindergarten would have been a complete abstract at that point. Waiting until there is a natural prompt is a good idea. For us, school was coming to an end and the children naturally were beginning to wonder about what would happen next. Because our son had no real idea about what kindergarten was or where it was, hearing the news that he was going to be spending another year in his classroom with his beloved teachers was received with welcome ears.

Don’t let these natural windows of opportunity pass by and then spring the news on your child at the last minute. If we had been silent during these conversations near the end of the school year and throughout the summer, which was full of kindergarten references made by well-meaning friends and others who knew that WJ was soon to turn five, we would have been in an awkward place now. First, we would have essentially been lying to him in our omission. And we would have risked his settling into the idea of going on to the next grade and then been a position of denying him something he was looking forward to.

The news of a growing year is likely to be more troubling to you than it is to your child, especially if your child is very young, but your child does need time to process. If the news is met with disappointment, then time will allow for some changing of heart. If the news is too abstract to be completely understood, then time will allow for the child to build a concept and to comprehend the situation.

Not too soon. Not too late. Really, the end of the school year prior is an ideal time to begin to talk about your plans for the coming year.

What to say

As an educator, I have found myself sitting across the table from worried parents asking for advice about how to explain difficult decisions to their children. What should we tell him? How much should we say? What if she asks…? What if he wants to know…? I know that these conversations worry adults. I have helped other parents work through a plan for communicating with children about a wide range of difficult topics.

I felt, therefore, relatively prepared to have a nonchalant and factual conversation with our son about our decision for him to wait to go to kindergarten. I knew, of course, and my instinct here is being confirmed over and over again, that this initial conversation would not be the moment of realization for our child. Children tend not to be ready for processing the information we have decided to present to them as we put down our forks and clear our throats at the dinner table or as we smooth the sheets across them and sit nervously on the edge of their beds. Their minds are already busy doing other things. When we finish giving our talks and ask if the children have any questions, they do. They want to know if there is dance class tomorrow. Or why bats stay up all night. The real questions will come later. The initial conversation is really just the planting of the seed.

Nevertheless, if a family is making a decision about a child’s education that seems to go against the grain, one needs to begin the conversation somewhere and sometime.  My next several posts will include a series of tips for talking with your child about a growing year.