First day of school
Tuesday, September 15, 2009 at 9:54PM 
We survived the first day of school. But I am having a difficult time writing about it.
Because it was hard.
For me.
For WJ the day started with bit of struggle. He was clingy in the morning and when I gave in to a few minutes of cuddling, he declared that he was not going to preschool again. “If you take me into preschool this morning,” he pouted, “I will run all the way to kindergarten!” But all of this came out with no real fight behind it. It was an obvious bluff. 
I pulled a halfhearted trick out of my hat, “But I will need someone to carry these important forms to the teacher! If you are not going to preschool, who will carry these forms?” We both knew it was lame but we also both knew his threat was empty. He played the game, took the bait, carried the forms, and off to school we went.
It was me, the grown-up one, who was feeling truly rocky.
I am a little embarrassed by this.
When Dave and I were debating the options for this school year, I searched high and low for anything to read about parents deciding to keep a child back. I found very little. I talked to about a gazillion parents who all said, “We did that with our child in preschool/kindergarten/first grade and it was the best decision we ever made.” But I found very little unbiased evaluation of the options and even less about what it would actually be like to make this decision and live with it. That is really the impetus for my writing here. Because of this, I feel obligated to take you along with our family in as much honesty as I can manage.
What is, therefore, the first day of school like for a parent whose child is not moving on to the next grade? It might stink.
I was, of course, filled with the protection instinct. My mind raced with all of the things that could be hard for WJ on this day. And beyond. I was imagining every time he will ever have to explain why his age and his grade level don’t match up. A growl welled up inside of me. I imagined superpowers.
And when I saw how WJ towered over the tiny four year-olds in the room, I considered home schooling.
Meanwhile the darkest, most ugly part of my thinking settled here: I felt a little like I was being left back myself; I felt something that hinted at shame. As we walked through the streets, I was praying that no one would ask me about our decision again. As we entered the school building, I was praying even harder that no one would make that terrible mistake and ask WJ (or me) how kindergarten was going. I wanted to be invisible. My smile felt plastic. I felt silly among the parents of the younger children. The minutes dragged on. The greetings of friends felt slathered in pity.
Now, I know with my mind that this was all completely ridiculous. But I also know that you often have very little control over how you feel. Emotions and reason do not always match up. The challenge is choosing which of the voices to turn toward.
As I confess to you this embarrassing emotion and ridiculous thinking, I confess to you also how short-lived it was. Reason won out soon enough. We, me included, have survived the first and the second days of school. We are looking forward to the third.
When I asked WJ what he liked about school today, he said, “Everything.” I think he means it and I am resting assured.
Reader Comments (8)
Celebrating the happy ending!
I bet it was hard for you both. I'm glad it seems to be easing up.
Thanks, Amie. Irrational though it was, that morning was harder than I though it would be. I guess transitions are like that.
So glad it all turned out well! Saw a comment of yours at Steady Mom and popped over to visit!
You SteadyMom readers are the best! I saw at least 18 of you over here in the last day! I know I said I was going to stop checking but that was amazing! Thanks for your comment and for reading.
so glad to hear that "everything" about the first days of school was good for our boy! Hang in there mom you are doing an amazing job. So great to follow you both here. ssj
Thanks Emily, for being so honest here. It is comforting to know that even people we admire struggle with their emotions! Good for you for thinking it through, figuring it out and being mindful.
I felt pretty much the same with my son who just started kindergarten. They'll both be okay. Right? yeah...I think so. :)