Unhurried
Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 9:22PM 
Empty time is not a vacuum to be filled. –Harry R. Lewis
A little over two years ago when I had just gone back to work—back to work as in a salaried, scheduled, signed-on-the-dotted-line position in a school—I arrived home to find my favorite parenting magazine in the mailbox. Anticipating a cup of coffee and some gentle mental stimulation, I carried the issue of Wondertime into our apartment and dropped it on the kitchen table. One of the titles on the cover caught my eye and my heart sank:
I am not exaggerating when I say that it took more than a year for me to open the pages of the magazine and confront that article. I carried the issue back and forth to the gym for a few months but never took it out of the bag. With the best intentions, I tossed it into my carry-on bag every time I flew, into my backpack for every weekend away, into my tote every time I headed to a coffee shop for an hour or two of reading time. I moved it around the apartment, from the pile of reading material on the coffee table to the decorative piles and baskets of magazines and books on various other pieces of furniture.
I wanted to read that article, I really did. I was certain that the ideas contained within would fit with my hopes and goals for our family. But when it came to actually opening the pages and moving my eyes over the words, of absorbing the ideas and challenges found in The Unhurried Child, I was a complete coward.
I was like an addict, unwilling and incapable of looking myself in the mirror. Somehow I knew that opening up to those pages would put me face-to-face with the questions that would have been eating at my heart if I had not been so adept at forcing them back down below the surface.
Was I living a hurried life and raising a hurried child?
Probably. When I finally read the article, Catherine Newman’s description of our practice of hurrying children through the day, through even their leisure time, hit close to home. While I have never felt like we were overly scheduled, having more than two commitments a day when you have young children sets anyone up for those moments of hurrying and nagging, of interrupting the child’s play and process, of valuing the clock and its numbers over almost all else.
I knew that this reading would force me to evaluate my choices. And it did. It was a more gentle push than I expected (Thank you for that, Catherine). This reading and a series of events and longings and discussions and other readings have lead me to the place I am in this year, a place of working with intention at limiting our obligations and providing more time for WJ and for our family that is free from the pressing need to move on to the next thing.
But it is not easy and I am often weak. I am sitting here looking at a pile of registration forms for extracurricular activities for the winter sessions and I am overwhelmed. It seems very easy to make the wrong decisions. I know that I do not want to break our commitment to going slow but the possibility of missing out on something sits like a miniature me in a red devil unitard on my left shoulder. And I am fretting.
What would WJ really enjoy doing with the time we have? How much is too much for a five-year-old? How much is too much for our family? Which of these activities are ones that will feed a passion growing in our child? Which will meet the needs he has, strengthen those places where he needs to grow?
Piano, drama, soccer, karate, dance, swimming… I’ll let you know what we decide. I am hoping with a great hope that our choices will be made with slow and unhurried in mind.
How do you decide? What guidelines do you keep when choosing activities for yourselves and your children?
Reader Comments (7)
This post is dear to my heart. I so don't want to be guilty of filling up our time with "things" that will pull us apart as a family rather than bring us together. Too much shuttling around, too much time "on the field," or "on the court..." all of those things can be good, but they can also keep a family from really knowing each other...from really knowing the joys of togetherness. Praying for your sweet family :-)
Oh, isn't that a million dollar question! My daughter is just turning 4, so right now we're only involved in one extracurricular thing (dance) which she loves dearly. The start of this school year marked the first time where she has spent considerable time away from me. I made the decision to return to school myself and it was a lot harder than I thought just to relinquish being a SAHM. I guard our free days at home together, so that helps me to "just say no" to all the zillions of activities everyone else seems to be involved in. Right now I'm considering taking a break from dance over the summer and allowing her to choose a different activity. But I'm sure next fall I will be pondering the same things, do we add on? It's hard to know when you're making the right decision.
This post has so many important messages for me in it. Although my daughter is still too young to be "hurried," I definitely fall victim to the hurrying bug myself. Taking the time to really evaluate what you do instead of just doing something to be doing something is sometimes more difficult than it seems. In addition, finding the time to read the article - or the book, or write the letter or make the gift, or whatever it is that we are avoiding like the plague because we know it will make us realize something about ourselves we are scared to realize...it is more difficult than it seems. Finally, being willing to commit to changes that are meaningful and valuable, even when it feels uncomfortable...it is more difficult than it seems. So, I think you were strong and fabulously courageous to (1) read the article, (2) make the changes and (3) commit to those changes! Good for you. Looking forward to hearing how it goes and to unhurry some of my own life!
This is something that I struggle with all of the time. I feel way overscheduled this winter.... 3 days of Tae Kwon Do and 2 dance classes. Tae Kwon Do has been excellent for my daughter's self esteem. I think it's an important class for her. Naturally, I signed her up for the BIG package because it made the most sense economically, when you break the cost down by class...plus we got a free uniform. Then, the dance. She loves it and her teachers tell me she's good at it, so I signed her up for one class and then the teacher said she really should be in another one as well....ok.... It's hard to draw the line....I don't want my daughter to miss out on classes that have in the past, and I feel in the fiture will be highly enjoyable and beneficial to her.... however, all of this running around has ME tired!!!
I so miss Wondertime and so love Catherine Newman's writing. It is hard here too- with a full time working me and a dad who is getting his PhD, I often feel like we are running on empty or at least around in circles. Due to our schedules and the fact that our son and soon to be daughter are in preschool/co-ops during the day, we save any extras to the weekend or summer. The last thing I want to do is pick our son up from school and drag him to another activity. We have family dinners every night, play, do a long bedtime routine and let ourselves unwind. I don't feel bad that he isn't in a bunch of activities. I'd feel bad if he was and we didn't get our time.
A reader named Heather was unable to post and sent me this response. I thought it would be useful to the conversation here so I am posting it on her behalf... from Heather:
About a year ago, I just called it quits on doing anything extra above and beyond routines, errands and play. We're just now going to be adding in a library story time that all three can go to and a book club for my 5yo. That really is PLENTY. Hearing that the avg age of group sports burnout is now 11---well that makes me want to not even start my kids til 8 or 9 like I did and I played through HS and then rec in college.
I have an unwritten rule that I will never switch gears on the kids if they are in the middle of pretend play or some sort of collaborative effort if the errand an be put off to another time. They don't always like errands, but they reallllly don't like them when they were doing something so 'in another world'
I didn't enjoy that they were all sick over the holiday break, but it made sure we didn't do any sort of museum trips/zoo/etc to fill the gaps. I know I'll be grousing in a few years when none of their friends can play because they have this class or that.
My oldest son is 5 and I work full time as a teacher. We moved within walking distance of our school (and work) and I feel like it gives me some control over our schedule. The after school activities are on school campus so it isn't a big deal of running around. They are from 3 to 4pm. Last quarter he did "Outdoor Games" club and "storyland play" club. This semester he wants to try Tai Kwan Do.