Transition: a story in two (possibly three) parts

Part One:  We are about a month into this school year.  Perhaps transition is a funny word to choose to describe these weeks.  From the outside it might seem that since WJ is repeating a year, staying in the same classroom with the same teachers, little has changed. 

It has, however, been an adjustment.  The things that are different are significant from WJ’s point of view.  The transition has revolved partly around the fact that his classmates, the Two Best Friends included, mostly went on to kindergarten without him.  In this we find the first part of the story.  How has it been for WJ to be left behind?

At first, it was hard.  Harder than I imagined, actually.  People said, and I soaked myself in the poisoned Kool-Aid of this hope, that children this age would not even notice when a friend repeats a year.  As an educator, I knew in my heart that this hope was vastly underestimating The Child.  But I hoped it for the sake of ease and, admittedly, avoidance.

The hope was in vain.  The Child is not dull; The Child is curious and seeks to understand and order his experience. We have at some point in these weeks encountered every classmate of WJ’s who went on to the kindergarten class in our school.  All but one has greeted him excitedly and then asked, within the first several seconds of their interaction, “Why aren’t you in kindergarten?”  After either WJ or I reply with our carefully crafted answers, the children naturally follow with, “But aren’t you five?”

I knew in my heart that the children would notice both his absence from their classroom and his presence in the preschool, but it was somehow a surprise to me that they would ask about it with such consistency.  I guess I thought perhaps WJ’s peers would not care, that it would not matter, per se, would not be a big deal.  I believed that their immature social constructs would translate into an innocence about hierarchy and such. 

But it does matter to them.  It is with great concern and confusion that the former classmates consider WJ and our answers to their questions.  I am sure there is a sociology or anthropology project in here somewhere.  WJ is to his five-year-old peers an incongruity to be investigated.  Furrowed eyebrows abound and if we offered magnifying glasses, I believe the children would accept them for a closer look.  

WJ has been standing tall through the Playground Inquisition, but it has not been entirely easy. He is not dull either.  His eyes dart to me often and when he begins making funny, twitching faces I intervene with a matter of fact tone and a quick change of the subject. 

I am glad for WJ’s bravery and resilience and for our continued sense of peace about the decision for him to wait for kindergarten.  I believe WJ has moved beyond his sadness about our decision but it is not quite a comfortable fit yet.  It is a little like his new school pants that still need to be cuffed.  

Planning play dates

A reader asked a question recently about my post on planning play dates before school begins.  She inquired about my statement, “Choose carefully and choose only a few.”  What does choosing carefully mean exactly? 

Obviously and in general, we hope that our children will be able to play peacefully and joyfully with all other children.  We want to challenge our children to learn problem-solving skills that help them navigate tricky social situations; we want to encourage them to have eyes that see the goodness and value in each friend they encounter; we want for them to develop graciousness and generosity as they work and play.

When your child is feeling apprehensive about repeating a grade or entering a new school or other setting, however, choosing playmates carefully means setting your child up for success.  Your goal will be preparing your child to greet the school year with enthusiasm.  You will want to look for a comfortable playing opportunity, something to feed the excitement and hope about the upcoming change rather than the anxiety and the dread.

Here are some things to consider:

1. ACTIVITY LEVEL  Is your child on-the-go or a child who spends most of his or her playtime sitting down, spending a long time with one activity?  One of the most unsuccessful pairings would be children at the opposite end of the activity level spectrum.  Very quiet children can be easy flustered by a child whose play is more physical and moves quickly from one activity to another.  And a busy child may be frustrated and let down by a playmate who cannot or will not keep up.  Look for a child whose activity level seems similar to your child’s.
2. PLAYING STYLE  Educators often talk of a child’s learning style, whether it be visual, auditory, or kinesthetic.  When you are thinking about making a pair for these play dates, consider the style of your child’s play.  What type of activity engages him or her most?  Imaginary play and storytelling?  Building and constructing?  Creating and crafting?  Climbing and playing ball?  Digging and collecting?  A child who wants to make-believe in costumes and one who wants only to use the Legos are going to have a more difficult time finding common ground than two who love to play house or two who love to cut and glue.
3. INTERESTS  This is probably the least influential element if you have found a child who is a good match in terms of both activity level and playing style.  But if you are struggling to think of a child who is a good match, consider your child’s biggest interests.  For young children, interests are like languages.  If your child is proficient in Pirate, conscious of all of the jargon and necessary equipment, he may be able to make a leap with a child who seems very different in other ways.  A passion for Princesses may bring together two otherwise incompatible children.  What languages does your child speak?

You will likely want to put a little more thought into preparing for these play dates than you may normally.  Help your child make a plan about which toys or activities to offer first.  Think of something special to suggest that will allow you to facilitate some of the play, for instance a board game, a cooking project, or the building of a fort or puppet stage.  Maybe plan a surprise, new craft materials or a treat, to present to the children when there is a lull in their play.  Think about what time of day is your child’s most flexible and positive time and make sure to keep the play date relatively short.  Finally, step in early if there is a conflict.  Help the children apologize to each other and forgive each other and then help distract them toward a new activity. 

With any luck, the fruit of this labor will be a child who adjusts quickly to his or her new situation.  At our house, I felt the positive impact immediately and WJ is happily continuing to play with the children from these play dates as the school year progresses.

First day of school

We survived the first day of school.  But I am having a difficult time writing about it. 

Because it was hard. 

For me.

For WJ the day started with bit of struggle.  He was clingy in the morning and when I gave in to a few minutes of cuddling, he declared that he was not going to preschool again.  “If you take me into preschool this morning,” he pouted, “I will run all the way to kindergarten!”  But all of this came out with no real fight behind it.  It was an obvious bluff.

I pulled a halfhearted trick out of my hat, “But I will need someone to carry these important forms to the teacher!  If you are not going to preschool, who will carry these forms?”  We both knew it was lame but we also both knew his threat was empty.  He played the game, took the bait, carried the forms, and off to school we went.

It was me, the grown-up one, who was feeling truly rocky. 

I am a little embarrassed by this.

When Dave and I were debating the options for this school year, I searched high and low for anything to read about parents deciding to keep a child back. I found very little.  I talked to about a gazillion parents who all said, “We did that with our child in preschool/kindergarten/first grade and it was the best decision we ever made.”  But I found very little unbiased evaluation of the options and even less about what it would actually be like to make this decision and live with it.  That is really the impetus for my writing here.  Because of this, I feel obligated to take you along with our family in as much honesty as I can manage.

What is, therefore, the first day of school like for a parent whose child is not moving on to the next grade? It might stink.

I was, of course, filled with the protection instinct.  My mind raced with all of the things that could be hard for WJ on this day.  And beyond.  I was imagining every time he will ever have to explain why his age and his grade level don’t match up.   A growl welled up inside of me.  I imagined superpowers. 

And when I saw how WJ towered over the tiny four year-olds in the room, I considered home schooling.

Meanwhile the darkest, most ugly part of my thinking settled here: I felt a little like I was being left back myself; I felt something that hinted at shame.  As we walked through the streets, I was praying that no one would ask me about our decision again.  As we entered the school building, I was praying even harder that no one would make that terrible mistake and ask WJ (or me) how kindergarten was going.  I wanted to be invisible.  My smile felt plastic.  I felt silly among the parents of the younger children.  The minutes dragged on.  The greetings of friends felt slathered in pity. 

Now, I know with my mind that this was all completely ridiculous.  But I also know that you often have very little control over how you feel.  Emotions and reason do not always match up.    The challenge is choosing which of the voices to turn toward.

As I confess to you this embarrassing emotion and ridiculous thinking, I confess to you also how short-lived it was.  Reason won out soon enough.  We, me included, have survived the first and the second days of school.  We are looking forward to the third. 

When I asked WJ what he liked about school today, he said, “Everything.”  I think he means it and I am resting assured.